


Emptiness Within

by wrigglesworth59



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Abuse of Position, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-24
Updated: 2014-09-24
Packaged: 2018-02-18 15:16:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2353004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wrigglesworth59/pseuds/wrigglesworth59
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something dark, consuming, swallowed up by the emptiness within</p>
            </blockquote>





	Emptiness Within

**Author's Note:**

> I make no apologies for this fic but please be aware that warnings are used for a reason.

 

Emptiness Within

~~(Merlin)~~

There was a rhythmic pounding in his head and no recollection of where, what or when. A faint smell of something acrid tickling in his throat, it was sharp and putrid, though he didn't know what it was it did smell familiar in a disgusting way that had his stomach twitch uncomfortably. It was hard to think with the fog in his mind and the crippling of the incessant drumbeats against his skull. Forcing himself to concentrate he could feel something cold and hard beneath his hands, he reached out with his fingers, attempting to feel the surface beneath him, getting no further than a brief twitch before a blinding pain flared down his right arm.

_Fuck,_  he did not attempt to move them again instead he blearily cracked his eyes open, groaning pitifully as harsh bright lights assaulted them, and quickly squeezing them shut as his stomach twisted and lurched. The pounding in his head increasing as his stomach clawed its way up his throat, unable to bring himself to move, feeling his vomit running down the side of his face.

The pounding was getting louder, although his head did not seem to echo it, he blinked his eyes open again this time just to narrow slits and realised that the pounding was not only in his head there was an external pounding, a disjointed frantic rhythm out of sync with the drums in his head, and now that he was a little more conscious he could hear shouting, his name.

_What the fuck?_ He groaned trying to stretch out his legs in the small space provided, the smell coming back sharper than before and he was sick again even before his mind had fully registered what it was.  _Piss._

There was a squeaking noise from behind somewhere and then the feel of clammy hands on his skin causing an involuntary whimper as he tried to retreat from them, a recognisable voice accompanied the hands but he wasn't paying any attention to the words, to busy trying to piece together what had happened. 

As the pounding dulled to a throb that echoed his erratic heart he tried to make sense of the things he was aware of, he knew he was in the toilets and that voice... that was Lance, so he must be at work then though that did not explain why he was lying in pain on a cubicle floor. He sifted through the fog for the last memory he had...

_"Merlin, the last cubicle in the men's room is blocked again, could you ... ?" Gwen had asked him already holding up the gloves and plunger, he grimaced as he took the items from her, but didn't complain. Being the youngest and newest employee always left him with the worst jobs, though even going in the men's room was a fate he would wish on no-one._

_He had entered the toilets and made his way to the far cubicle, there had been a couple of guys in there going about there business and he paid them no attention as holding his breath he shuffled into the cubicle._

_How did they even manage it? What had they been doing? The toilet was pretty full to the brim with tissue and he breathed a grateful sigh that that was all it was, no doubt some drunken idiots idea of an hilarious prank..._

And then nothing at all after that.  _What the fuck?_ He was drifting into darkness and before it overwhelmed him completely he felt something warm being placed gently on top of him.

 

~~(Lance)~~

 

He made his way back to the bar, hands full of empty glasses, and noticed Gwen struggling on her own. Looking around he failed to spot Merlin anywhere, and even though the boy hadn't been working at the club for very long it had been enough that Lance knew he was a hard worker and would never shirk his duties.

"Where's Merlin?" He asked Gwen putting the glasses in the washer, before turning to help serve the long queue of customers. She moved nearer to him, so close he could smell the subtle floral perfume she wore.

"There was a blockage in the men's, though he should have been done by now."

"Well if he's not back here by the time we're done with these customers I'll go and see what's keeping him." She smiled up at him and he felt the usual fluttering in his stomach and mirrored the smile, gazing into those warm brown eyes until he felt the cold wetness of lager on his hands from the overflowing pint he had been pulling, blushing he wiped his hands before placing the pint on the bar.

When the rush of customers had finally passed Merlin still had not returned and he was starting to feel a little worried, unblocking the toilet should take him ten minutes tops, any longer and they are supposed to just close the cubicle off as out of order and get someone in to take a look and from what he could gather from Gwen Merlin had been gone for almost an hour now. Something wasn't right.

He made his way to the men's, heading straight for the far cubicle. He found that it was locked and knocked on the door, getting no response he knocked harder, "Merlin?" When there was still no answer he started to pound on the door, after all if there had been anyone in there then they should have answered by now. He stopped when he heard a low groan and then the unmistakable sounds of someone being sick, ignoring the dirty floor he dropped to his knees and peered under the door.

Pale white cheeks speckled with dark hairs and blood, his work trousers a dark pool around his knees, a strip of pale flesh before the customary black work shirt hid the rest of the boys back and a sweaty mop of dark hair, he jumped to his feet, ramming his shoulder into the door and shouting Merlin's name.

Looking around he spotted a guy at the sinks trying to surreptitiously watch him in the mirror and quickly looking away when he noticed Lance's gaze. "You, do you have a phone on you? Good call the police and paramedics, and inform Gwen behind the bar of an incident." The man nodded fumbling his phone from his pocket and Lance stopped paying attention instead turning back to the door.

It had one of those circular lock mechanisms and dipping his fingernail into the groove he twisted it around until the lock opened,  _huh, easy..._ no time to ponder on the laughability of the locks though instead he entered the small space dropping down next to Merlin and running one clammy hand down his arm, his other hand going into the dark hair, pulling his fingers away when he felt the wetness there and looking down to see blood coating them. He continued running his hands over the other man, ignoring the way he flinched from his touch and the small whimpers that escaped, checking for signs of any other injuries, all the way talking in a soothing tone. 

He took of his work shirt, leaving him in just his white under t-shirt, and placed it carefully over Merlin to cover up his partial nudity. He could have just pulled the boys pants up but he didn't know what injuries he had suffered and feared making anything worse.

"Um, sorry, but um, the ambulance er is on its way."

He looked briefly at the man from earlier and nodded a thanks then turned back to Merlin who seemed to have slipped back into unconsciousness, which was probably for the best, though it didn't stop him from talking to him, at this point it was just as much for his own benefit.

A short while later and he heard the main door opening and heavy, rushed, footsteps. Glancing round he spotted the paramedics and shuffled his way out of the cubicle to let them in. They placed a body board on the floor in the main area and one went into the stall to look Merlin over, lifting Lance's shirt before letting it drop back down.

The woman who had stayed outside with him started asking questions... victim's name, age, what had happened, did he take anything, etc. He knew she was only doing her job but he still couldn't help the spark of annoyance he felt at that last one, yes this was a club and Merlin was a young man but not everybody took drugs to have a good time, and Merlin certainly didn't. He had been here working, for fuck's sake.

"Marie, strap his legs and get ready to lift." The guy in the cubicle called out, shifting further back into the cramped space between toilet and wall and putting a head brace on Merlin before gripping him under his arms, "One. Two. Three. Lift."

Lance shuffled further out of there way as they struggled with the dead weight of Merlin and the cramped space which they were in but soon enough they had him strapped to the body board, an intravenous drip resting on his chest. 

He went with them helping them carry the board out into the main club area, he was a little surprised to find the place still full, but the music no longer playing and the lights were up, he spotted a couple of police officers with notebooks talking to people, and Gwen her hands pressed to her mouth, tears flowing from her eyes, he swallowed heavily looking away and instead went with the paramedics.

"Sorry, but you won't be able to come with him, best you go and give your details to the police and you can visit Merlin later." Marie told him once they had Merlin safely inside the ambulance and were ready to go. 

He watched the flashing lights fade into the distance before making his way back inside to talk to the police.

 

~~(Merlin)~~

 

He blinked his eyes open, feeling groggy and wondering why opening his eyes seemed such an impossible task, it seemed every time he had got them to cooperate they fell back shut with a weight of weariness he had never known. His throat felt rough and dry, his head ached and the fingers of his right hand felt stiff and unresponsive, his lower back and thighs burned but none of these amounted to the pain of his anus which was stinging and burning like hell fire.

There was an irritating beeping coming from somewhere to his left, and the sound of voices from a short distance away all talking in hushed tones either that or they were further away than he thought. Finally managing to squint his eyes open and keep them that way, he took a look around at his surroundings.

_Okay, so hospital then._ A familiar face came into his field of vision, and he attempted to lift his arm but like the rest of his body it wasn't currently taking any orders from him and remained a dead weight at his side, he opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out, instead he felt burning pain, and the face vanished only to reappear a moment later with a cup of water with a straw in it. He took a couple of small sips, the cool liquid easing the burn slightly. 

He tried to offer a reassuring smile, he had never seen his mother looking so worried, not even that time when he felt fifteen feet from a tree and broke his leg, but it came out as more of a grimace. He noticed her bloodshot eyes and the puffiness to her face indicating she had been crying a while then, how long had he been here, actually _why was_ he here?

"Oh, Merlin. I've been so worried, when they told me..." His mothers breath hitched with a suppressed sob, and he wanted to tell her he was fine and offer her reassurances but right now he wasn't convinced himself that it was true.

Though he did not have any memory of what had happened to land him in the hospital, he couldn't help but feel... dirty or violated or something he wasn't really sure just well, he didn't fancy being touched right now and it seemed his mother understood a little because she hadn't even attempted to reach for his hand. Though when he looked down he found that the fingers on his right hand were all tightly bound together, and the tips which were just visible poking from the bandage looked swollen and discoloured, the bandage spreading down past his wrist. He wiggled the fingers on his other hand, relieved when there wasn't so much as a twinge and looking down verified that his left hand at least was fine.

"Wha..." He broke off as the pain flared once again in his throat, and his mother was there with the water which he sipped at like it was a lifeline, he cleared his throat wincing at the pain and tried again, his voice coming out rough, "Wha...  'appen'd?"

"Oh baby, don't worry about that now," Her eyes had filled with tears which she tried to blink away and he felt his own eyes fill, flinching when she raised a hand towards his face. She dropped it quickly and looked away, no doubt to hide her tears, unwilling to make him feel guilty for his reaction but it was too late for that as soon as he knew what he had done he had felt a stab of guilt, but still as much as he hated hurting his mother he couldn't contain his reaction. "Get some rest, love, I'm just going to let the Dr know you've woken up."

He blinked past his tears watching with blurry vision as his mother made her way out of the room, and felt the tears falling, dripping from his chin. What was wrong with him, that he had hurt his mother like that, but deep inside the thought making him sick he _knew_ the answer to that.

_Rape_ that was what had happened, but until it was confirmed it meant it wasn't true, and god he wanted nothing more than for it not to be true. He already felt unclean and so sore down there that he wondered how anyone could find pleasure from such a thing. And worst of all the knowledge that whoever had done this could be anyone, he hadn't even seen a glimpse of the person who had attacked him.  _Fuck, it could be anyone,_ and he would never know.

The door opened and he hastily tried to wipe the tears from his face, a pretty woman with a heart shaped face entered with his mother, she was dressed in green hospital scrubs with her white coat over the top.

"Hello Merlin, it's good to see you awake, do you mind if I just have a little look over you so we can see how you're doing?" He was grateful that she had asked but couldn't prevent the flush of shame that suffused his cheeks knowing that this woman was aware of what had happened to him. He had never been much of a macho man, not really into sport or the gym but somehow he had never felt more emasculated than he did now.

"It's okay Merlin, I'll draw the curtain and it will just be you and me, okay?" He nodded and watched as she drew the curtains around his bed, answering her questions and shifting so she could examine him in all the places she needed to with a detached air.

"Good, you did really well," She covered him back up before opening the curtains once more, his mother coming straight over to him, "Now Merlin, the police are waiting to speak with you but I've told them I'll let them know when you're feeling more up to it. As for you're injuries you seem to be healing well, you've been unconscious for thirty-four hours, there's bruising to your trachea, the fingers and wrist of your right arm are broken and you won't be able to use it for at least four to six weeks. You sustained a nasty blow to the head, which required several stitches and your anal passage suffered quite a major tear..."

He tuned her out instead his mind painting the pictures that her words conjured...

_A dark looming shadow coming up behind him, something slamming into the back of his head causing his world to go black, the shadow had hold of him though, one large hand gripping around his throat while the other tore at his trousers. Pushing them down past his knees, his body being pushed up against the wall, his right hand being crushed within the grip of the shadows, the bones creaking and giving under the pressure as something brought waves of nausea and hot agony spreading throughout. Warm liquid burning a path down his thighs._

_Unbelievable agony, and the inability to breathe properly, his windpipe being crushed as harshly as his hand, loud grunting breaths, and a burning heat filling him erupting in him to join the fluids already trickling down his thighs. Then a cool hard surface under him and the click of a lock._

"Merlin?" His mother's voice, and soft fingers wiping at his cheeks, he can feel the tears tracking down his face and an unwelcome sob forcing its way up past his agonised throat, "Ssh baby, it's okay."

It wasn't okay, would never again be _okay_. Couldn't she see that, he was dirty, defiled, no longer a man. As the sobs tore through him he let his mother hold him, just like she had when he was a young boy with scraped knees, or a duck egg. He fell into her embrace and let the darkness and misery inside him out in huge wracking sobs.

He wasn't even aware that the Dr had left until he saw he entering the room, and was thankful she had given him his space to fall apart. He felt funny now though, sort of hollow after letting everything out, almost as though there was nothing left to him, and he listened blankly, not feeling anything, as she assured him that all 'tests' had come back clean, or that he had an appointment with a Dr pendragon, the hospitals resident psychiatrist, the following afternoon.

After changing his drip bags, he felt his eyes becoming heavy once more and didn't even fight the oncoming oblivion but instead welcomed it as a long lost friend.

 

~~(Lance)~~

 

Finally after almost a week he had been informed by Hunith that he may go and visit Merlin as he was now back home and she thought it might do him some good to see a friendly face. He had tried to visit him in the hospital twice but both times was informed that 'Mr Emrys does not wish to see anyone right now', and so had given Merlin his space, he had no idea what the poor boy must be feeling.

It was something he never would have believed would happen, yes they worked in a nightclub but it was not known for trouble nor had they ever had a problem there before, not even a spiked drink. That someone who came to their club could do that and to Merlin of all people... well he hated to think on it.

They had provided the police with as much information as they could including all CCTV footage and they had so far come up empty as to who the possible perpetrator could have been.

He wasn't surprised when it was Hunith who let him into Merlin's flat, he had never met her before but could tell straight away that this was Merlin's mother, they had the same large blue eyes and he guessed that like Merlin's hers also usually shone with happiness instead of being dulled by grief.

"Mrs Emrys?"

"Oh, call me Hunith, and it's miss Emrys. Lance right? I'm so glad you could come, I'm so worried he hasn't spoken at all since he woke up. Perhaps you can have a go."

He nodded as he entered the small but clean flat already feeling his worry spike, Merlin was a chatterbox who you could never get to shut up, that he hadn't said anything in almost a week was a real concern.

He prepared himself to find a despondent and uncommunicative Merlin. Though when he finally caught sight of him he was still shocked, even though he couldn't see much more than the top of his head.

There was a small shaved patch, where he could see stitches, at the back and that was all he could see of him, the rest buried under a large quilt curled up on the couch.

"Merlin, love, Lance is here, why don't you sit up a bit and have a chat." Hunith tried, there was no sign that her son had even heard her, and she shot Lance a tight worried smile and made a sort of shooing gesture in the direction of the couch. "I'll just go put the kettle on."

Once she was out of the room Lance went and sat on the floor, close to Merlin's head, and though a part of him was screaming out not to touch him he couldn't help it, he had been so worried ever since he had found Merlin on that bathroom floor, he let his fingers gently run through the soft dark hair making sure to avoid the stitches, and felt Merlin stiffen slightly before there was a shudder than ran through the boys body, followed by a bitten off sob.

Merlin shuffled down lower into the quilt, and Lance could still hear the small sobs that escaped, could see the way his body shook the quilt as he tried to muffle his cries.

"Merlin... please, don't shut everyone out. You're not alone." He felt something brush against his hand just before his fingers were enveloped in a crushing warmth, looking down he saw Merlin's hand tightly gripping his own. Carefully he shifted the quilt down so that he could see and found piercing blue eyes ringed by red, obscured by tears, gazing up at him looking so utterly lost and broken. He edged carefully onto the edge of the sofa and let Merlin bury his head in his lap and cry, the fingers of their left hands still joined, letting the fingers of his free hand gently stroke through his hair.

He didn't bother with actual words just made gentle soothing sounds, there wasn't much he could say, it wasn't okay... not yet but it could be and he was sure that Merlin was strong enough to get through this. 

Once the tears subsided they stayed where they were, Lance had noticed Hunith watching them for a little while before she had disappeared back into the kitchen.

"I'm sorry," 

He almost jumped in shock at hearing the quiet voice, breaking through the silence and looked down to see Merlin avoiding his gaze, cheeks pink and eyes still red. "You have nothing to be sorry for Merlin. You will get through this, we're all here for you. Now your mother tells me that you had a very attractive Dr, why don't you tell me a little about her."

Merlin's laughter looked like it shocked himself aswell, "Not much to tell, her name was Mithian and yes she was very beautiful, that's it."

"Mmhmm, so... she didn't give you her number?"

Merlin's face fell slightly, "It wasn't like that... I... God I don't know what's going on Lance."

"What, with Mithian?" Seeing the look on Merlin's face he realised that wasn't what he had been talking about, he thinks now it was probably a stupid idea to even mention the Dr, but he had just wanted to try and let Merlin know that they didn't need to talk about it and that things could be light or something, that he wouldn't be treated any differently, that Lance didn't see him as being different. That none of it changed the way people saw him. "Oh..."

"It's just- I-I   I didn't even see them, Lance it could have been anyone, how am I..." 

He picked through the disjointed sentence and yes, Merlin was right, no-one had anything to go on as to who the man had been. The fact that it took place in a club's loo and what with Merlin being unconscious while it was happening meant that nobody had even thought that there could have been something more sinister than two people fucking in a loo, there had been no yells or anything to indicate an unwilling participant. Whoever had done this was not stupid, they knew what they were doing that thought alone was enough to curdle his stomach. _A serial rapist_.

"I'm not going to tell you that everything's okay because it's not, but it will be Merlin, you need to stay strong and take the support and comfort offered by your friends and family and you will get through this. Not everyday will be easy but as I said you're not alone." He squeezed Merlin's hand gently, "So have you spoken to this Dr Pendragon then, it may help."

"Hmm, no. I don't... He's... I don't know."

"Okay well promise me you will try Merlin, we've all been worried none more so than your poor mother, who thanks to you phone's me constantly... as if I can talk any sense into you."

"Hah, okay- I promise." 

He stayed a while longer, Merlin asleep with his head still resting on his thigh, though their hands were no longer clasped together. He couldn't stay though, he had work (not the job at the club this was his volunteer job at the homeless shelter) and he woke Merlin, promising to visit again in a couple of days.

 

~~(Merlin)~~

 

It had been almost five weeks and he was pretty much healed, his fingers and wrist were still bound but he could at least wiggle them a little, the bones had mended it would just take a little longer to be able to fully use that hand though, and his hair had grown back slightly into an uneven tuft from where the stitches had been. Though he was doing well physically he was still suffering quite badly mentally, each night would welcome in the nightmares, no matter how many sleeping pills he choked down, and every stranger had him flinching as they passed.

It was time to keep his promise, for his own sanity, and go and talk to someone. He had text Mithian and straight away she had made him an appointment with Dr Pendragon. So this morning saw him braving the bus to the hospital, he had tried to keep away from public transport but his bank balance was no longer in agreement to the taxi's he had been forking out for.

He made his way to the large reception desk for directions to Dr Pendragon's office, and was now sat outside nervously fiddling with the cuffs of his jusmper, his eyes constantly flickering around, taking in the surrounding s and the people, jumping at every unexpected noise that broke the quiet.

"Mr Emrys...?" A blonde guy stuck his head around the door, looking about. Merlin jumped to his feet, trying not to stumble too much when as well as jumping up he had also involuntarily flinched back. 

It was just that well... Dr Pendragon was broad and muscular and he knew he was being stupid for fuck's sake but he couldn't help the frisson of fear at the appearance of this man.

"Um, sorry."

He sat uncomfortably on the very edge of the seat as if preparing to flee at any given moment and looking up from under his lashes, without lifting his head, he flinched to see the smile on this man's face. Why was he smiling?

He couldn't really talk about what had happened as he hadn't been conscious during the actual violation and instead spoke of his nightmare's and the fear that would not loosen its grip.

It was while he was talking of the shadow in his nightmare, looming over him, touching him, that he noticed. He had mostly been talking to his knees, not lifting his gaze, fearing that to see any pity or judgement on this mans face would force the words back down, when he noticed a slight movement out of the corner of his eye, it could have been nothing he don't know what had him so interested in that subtle move, but it was everything.

_Did he just...?_ He subtly looked up from under his lashes to where the movement earlier had caught his eye, and swallowed heavily, forcing the nauseous feeling back down. _Fuck, he's..._ He brought his eyes up to the other mans face, slowly, disbelievingly and caught the smirk on the other's lips. Cold blue eyes meeting his unflinching.

" _Fuck_... It was-  _You_...?"

"Ah, Merlin, you were probably my favourite, did you know that?" The blonde shifted again and Merlin gagged at the bulge pressing against expensive suit trousers, "You're the only one who's ever worked it out, so what gave it away? I'd like to know so I don't repeat the mistake."

"Wha... why?" He scrambled off his chair as the other man stood, Merlin's mind shifting between the shadow and this man who supposedly _helped_ people. His eyes flickered to the door and he started edging towards it making sure to keep the other man in his sights before him. Flinching when he spotted the gleaming needle that was suddenly in the others hand.

"I can't let you leave here, Merlin, such a shame that your mind was so broken by the trauma that you needed to be put into the psychiatric ward. The way you see _every_ man as your attacker."

The blonde was taking large purposeful steps, swallowing up the distance between them, he came up short as his back hit something solid. _Shit_ , there was nowhere, wait... his scrabbling fingers connected painfully with the cool metal of the door handle, he gripped it pushing down, come on, _come on!_

His heart sank, his breathing quickened and his whole world crashed down upon him.

_Locked!_

His vision blurred by tears, shadow and man coming together before his eyes, needle held aloft.

 

**Author's Note:**

> One day I may yet attempt to write something a little more fluffy but until then hope you enjoyed this.


End file.
